TEST RUN

Final Musings (or Things I Should Have Told You at the Beginning of the Semester)

Like you, I became a better writer over the course of the semester. I learned new things about grammar, language, teaching, and learning. As I'm sure was apparent, we professor-types aren't perfect (and if we claim that we are, we are lying); as imperfect beings, we, too, have room to change and grow as we learn new things. 

Nonetheless, here are a few things I know for sure:

No one has perfect grammar. This is why editors, teachers, and writing center consultants exist.

Drafting (what we tend to call "writing"), editing, and proofreading are separate activities that draw on separate skill sets. Therefore, 

Write with feeling and wisdom. As you do, be nice to yourself. Be confident in your knowledge of your subject.


Edit and proofread with care and reason. Be your own best (or worst, perhaps) critic.


Never try to do both at activities at once or with the same perspective. Switch hats. Be a writer when you write, an editor when you edit. 


Prospective teachers, follow similar guidance when you grade: You'll approach student writing differently when you think of the different roles you play: writer, teacher, or expert in grammar or your subject matter. Again, don't wear all the hats at once! However, do try on all of them.

Use your new knowledge for good. Maintain high standards, but try to be understanding if people sometimes fall short of your expectations. You are allowed to antagonize your loved ones and to ask for the best possible effort at clear communication from any person or organization from which you receive messages. 

Things that are bothering me today, for example, include this headline from InsideHigherEd.com: "Top Ph.D. Programs, Shrinking." What's up with that comma? 

And this line from Michelle Obama's commencement address to graduates of the University of California, Merced:

Now, I know we've got a lot of national press out there, and a few people may be wondering why did I choose the University of California-Merced to deliver my first commencement speech as First Lady.

Did the First Lady misspeak or did her speechwriters err? Regardless, what she should have said was this: 

Now, I know we've got a lot of national press out there, and a few people may be wondering why I chose the University of California-Merced as the place to deliver my first commencement speech as First Lady.

Or this: 

Now, I know we've got a lot of national press out there, and a few people may be wondering, why did I choose the University of California-Merced to deliver my first commencement speech as First Lady?

After "wondering," the clause in its original form can't decide if it's declarative or interrogatory (a statement or a question, but you knew that, right?). It needs to make up its mind.

But I digress.

The trouble with teaching and learning grammar is that we want to deal with issues of correctness, with the binaries of right and wrong, which quickly morph into good and bad. The more accurate labels are appropriate and inappropriate, and standard and non-standard, both of which imply that context matters and neither of which is wholly good nor wholly bad.

And, really, what we should be paying attention to is how interesting language can be, evidenced in these funny, funny (OMG, so funny!) pieces from McSweeney's, an online zine that literally plays with language.  

Thanks for playing with language with me this semester. 

The Comma Splice: A Manmade Bully

Writers often use commas inappropriately because they force them into sentences where they do not rightfully belong.  The act of joining two independent clauses with a comma is called a “comma splice.”  The word splice is used because the comma literally fuses, or “splices,” the two complete thoughts together.  In order to make this common error easier to understand, I have personified the comma as a big bully who steals the show where other punctuation is due.  The victims that get left out of sentences with two independent clauses are periods, semicolons, and coordinating conjunctions.

Periods are extremely useful in cases where the two clauses are not directly related. For example:

[wrong] The cat ran home, the dog ate the bone.

[correct] The cat ran home.  The dog ate the bone.

Semicolons are used when the clauses are related, and it makes sense that they are expressed in a one sentence. For example:

[wrong] The cat ran home, the dog chased her the whole way.

[correct] The cat ran home; the dog chased her the whole way.

Lastly, the coordinating conjunctions, for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so, may be used when the sentence makes sense to use them.  For example:

[wrong] The cat ran home, the dog chased her the whole way.

[correct] The cat ran home, and the dog chased her the whole way.

Hopefully, this illustration of comma splicing helps writers to understand that using commas where periods, semicolons, and coordinating conjunctions should be given credit makes commas look like bullies.  So, let’s give the other punctuation a shot, and knockout comma splices for good!

Sentence-Diagramming has a purpose!

For all those sentence-diagram haters and those that deem sentence diagramming pointless
and boring… you have every right to your opinion but please consider, just for a moment, the
thought that diagramming sentences is significant and can be effective in learning English and
creating strong sentences; however, the most popular sentence diagram (shown below), which
was “developed by Alonzo Reed and Brainerd Kellogg over a hundred years ago,” (Capital
Community College Foundation) could use an update or simplification.

Ex. The two of them were lost in the cave.


http://www.lifestreamcenter.net/DrB/Lessons/TS/diagram.htm

What is the significance of sentence- diagramming, one may ask?
Dr. Carolyn O. Burleson creator of the Learning Stream website explains the purpose of sentencediagramming:
Since part of the writing process involves editing our work, we need to know how to
recognize complete thoughts and how to vary our sentence structure. This makes our
writing more coherent as well as more interesting to read. Understanding the functions of
parts of speech in a sentence and their relationship to one another can be very helpful in
learning to construct good sentences.
http://www.lifestreamcenter.net/DrB/Lessons/TS/diagram.htm

Or how can sentence-diagramming possibly be effective?
As mentioned by the CCCF’s grammar website, sentence-diagramming serves as a tool to help visual learners spread out the parts of the sentence to get a better understanding of what is going on with the independent idea (or sentence). http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/GRAMMAR/diagrams/diagrams.htm

*Here is a simplified sentence–diagram that I am proposing:

^Shapes can go in any order- whichever order is easiest for the individual student.

Main Parts of a Sentence:
Simple Subject - (the word(s)/noun(s)/pronoun(s) that the idea or sentence is about) - goes in the square
> Conjunctions (coordinating)
Simple Predicate - (the word(s) that tells/makes up the main action in the sentence)- goes in the diamond
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Modifiers in subject (or adjectives)- go in the rectangle
Modifiers in predicate (or adverbs; adjectives)- go in the triangle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Direct Objects (noun(s)/ pronoun(s) that receives the action of the subject and is found in the predicate of the sentence)- go in the large circle
Indirect objects (noun(s)/ pronoun(s) that receives the direct object) - go in the small circle connected to the large circle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phrases (prepositional; infinitive; gerund; participial) – go at the top of oval
> can be in both subject and predicate > both in same oval
Dependent Clauses (noun, adjectival, adverbial) and subordinating conjunctions – go at the bottom of oval
______________________________________________________________
http://www.lifestreamcenter.net/DrB/Lessons/TS/diagram.htm

Dr. Burleson goes over in detail the steps that one can take to help understand the individual
parts of a sentence (regardless of the type of sentence-diagramming with which an individual
chooses to work):

A sentence (to be a sentence) at the very least must have a Subject (noun or pronoun) and a Predicate (verb). The remaining words in a sentence serve to describe, clarify or give us more information about the subject or the verb. A diagram arranges the parts of a sentence like a picture in order to show the relationship of words and groups of words within the sentence.

Step #1
Look for the VERB in the sentence. A verb is a word that shows action (dance, sing, walk, run, etc.) or state of being (am, is, are, was, were, etc.) Ask the question, "What action is taking place, or what happened in the sentence?" The answer you get will let you know which word (or group of words) serves as the verb in the sentence.

Step #2
Find the SUBJECT of the verb (the person or thing that performs the action). Ask the question, "Who? or What?" before the verb. The answer you get will let you know which word (or group of words) serves as the subject of the verb.

Step #3
Find the DIRECT OBJECT. (If there is one in the sentence, it is the person or thing that receives the action of the verb.) Ask the question, "Whom? or What?" after the verb. The answer you get will let you know which word serves as the direct object of the verb.

Step #4
Look for ARTICLES (a, an, the) or POSSESSIVES (my, your, his, hers, its, their, Joe’s, Maria’s, etc.) Ask the question, "Whose?"

Step #5
Look for ADJECTIVES (words that describe or limit a noun or pronoun). Ask the questions, "Which one? How many? What kind? What size? What color? "

Step #6
Look for ADVERBS (words that modify verbs, adjectives or other adverbs). Ask the questions, "How? When? Where? How much? Why?"

Step #7
Look for PREPOSITIONAL PHRASES. (These are groups of words that begin with
a preposition and end with a noun or pronoun which is the object of the preposition. Together they serve the same function as an adjective or an adverb.)

___________________________________________________________

Sentence-diagramming is not for everyone, especially for some learners who do not learn
visually, but avoiding this learning method altogether is not necessarily the best idea either.
Sentence-diagramming is what one makes it. A simplified version such as the one I suggested can be a useful way to build a solid foundation of sentence structure understanding and to establish adequate writing practices.

Who vs. Whom

After talking with a number of my friends, I learned that one of a bothersome grammar rule is when are you suppose to use who or whom. Here’s how you can figure it out.

Initially it appears simple to distinguish between the use of who and whom for the majority of people. Among many of my peers however, it is difficult to truly know when which is correct. Many young adults know that who and whoever are subjective while whom and whomever are objective.

Who is that masked man? (subject)
The men, four of whom are ill, were indicted for fraud. (object)

Unfortunately sentences aren’t always this simple and when who isn’t the main subject of the sentence it can confuse people.

It was Stacy, I think, who borrowed the car.

The proper pronoun is still who not whom. If you think about it, Stacy could be substituted for who in the sentence and would still make since.

Replacing the relative pronoun with either the personal pronoun he/him or she/her is a method of determining whether or not to use who or whom.

Michael is the man whom I went fishing with last spring. (I went fishing with him.)
Jessie is the girl who got the job. (She got the job.)

"No" versus "Any"

Today’s topic is “no” versus “any.” Too many times people interchange these two words and think that it is grammatically correct. This comes down to when you hear a person interchange "no" inplace of "any" it just sounds wrong. Common examples heard from individuals are “There isn’t no way that I am going to get that done by tomorrow.”


When watching television a contestant on a game show said, “My arms can’t go no more further.”

Most of the mistakes occur when people are speaking to other people, but when driving on the expressway there was a truck with a motto of “There ain’t no easier way.” Not knowing what that company was trying to promote or sell, the owner should have checked to make sure their motto was grammatically correct. With incorrect uses of words, reputations and standings of companies can be jeopardized (not to mention using correct grammar will help with the embarrassment factor). People are very critical about the way other speak, with grammar changing on a continual basis everyone will think that what they are saying is right.

Correct Uses of “No”

“No” is used more broadly than “yes,” and functions as a negative determiner. “No” can appear before any class of noun: count nouns (No dogs are ugly), mass nouns (There is no fruit in the jello) and abstract nouns (No fighting is welcome). With count nouns, “no” also serves as the determiner that corresponds to the natural numbers used to measure the size of sets, the stand-alone and pronoun form that corresponds to it is none (No sports team is the same; none have a perfect season, either).

Correct Uses of “Any”

As an adjective, “any” is useful, but overused, intensifier (There isn’t any way that I will perform in front of a crowd tomorrow). “Any” can also be used as a determiner, a guaranteed selection from a set (You can have any piece of candy that you want). Used with negative: I haven’t had any money for a week. When used as a pronoun any applies with thing(s) or person(s) (Any may apply).

Summary

To sum up this constant mistake, there are times to use the word “no” and the word “any,” but it seems that more people use the word “no” because that is what they are taught when they were young. With slogans such as Just Say No, we as individuals are more prone to use the word “no.” Also using “no” when constructing sentences, especially when speaking, seems to be more acceptable as more people continue to talk that way. “Any” however, is used more to intensify the point that is trying to be made.

References

Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_(word).
Wikitionary, http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/ANY.

The Subjunctive: a Mini-Rant

My grammar pet peeve is when people do not use the subjunctive mood (or use it incorrectly) in conditional statements beginning with ‘if’ to express wishes or hypotheses. That’s a lot harder to say than something like ‘ATM machine’, but that’s how it is. A most memorable example is from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End trailer at about the 2:10 mark. “If I wasn’t…this’d probably never work”. Really Johnny Depp, it wouldn’t work? You know what doesn’t work? The brain of the scriptwriter who gave you that line. And yes, I understand that Captain Jack Sparrow is a pirate and he never went to grammar school but just listening to it again to make sure I have the right link makes me wince. It should be ‘were’. However, a quick and very unscientific poll of my hall-friends illustrates how most people learn about the subjunctive: through foreign languages or not at all. My friends who only took a few years of a foreign language, or none at all, have without fail never even heard of the subjunctive mood. And this would perhaps explain why this type of mistake is made with a frequency that has led almost to the creation of a nervous tic in my left eye.

As a Latin student for far too many years, I’d have to say that my experiences mimic those of my friends. I can tell you all about the subjunctive in Latin, there are about a bajillion different forms and a handy phrase —we beat a liar— to help you remember the correct suffix in present tense. Yet many of the situations where the subjunctive is used in Latin, such as the volative subjunctive, do not translate into English. Still worse, many subjunctives in English, such as the optative subjunctive, have been translated quite differently, even while being considered the same entity by multilingual grammarians. For example, English uses auxiliaries ‘let’ and ‘may’ (e.g. let there be light, may it be etc.) instead of changing the mood of the main verb as occurs in some Germanic languages. Keep in mind that English is considered a pretty even split between Romance and Germanic language derivative, though purists know the favor is tilted towards the Germanic roots.

An even worse quirk, that the optative subjunctive used to be an entirely different mood in some languages, is largely ignored in this post for the sake of what is left of my sanity. Yet worst of all is the fact that many English teachers never even bother teaching the subjunctive mood; it is considered something students will pick up naturally as those around them use it correctly. That would be great… if the people around them used it correctly, but if Hollywood can’t do it there’s little hope for future generations. I’ll be wincing all the way into dentures and rheumatism.

Anyway, there was a point to all this. I am typically from the ‘you only need to use enough grammar to get your meaning across’ school of grammar-thought but the entire point of pet peeves is that they aggravate us more than is normally deemed appropriate. As a high school English teacher I probably will not teach my students about the subjunctive, I will not start a grassroots campaign to see the subjunctive reinstated to its former glory (Middle and Old English used it quite a bit more). It is a pointless fight, but still I stuffer. So if you see me wince when someone says “if I was…” please nod understandingly and move on or better yet, frown disapprovingly in the direction of the offender. The world will be a better place for it.

Grammar and Arrogance: The Barry Bonds Approach

Barry Bonds is arguably the best hitter of all time. He has been called the Mickey Mantle of our generation, and deservingly so. Many wonder what sets him apart from Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, Pete Rose, and his godfather, Willie Mays. Attitude. Barry Bond’s has been known to be an enemy to the media; his arrogance is well known throughout the sporting community as well as pop culture. These are some suggestions on how certain quotes, which demonstrate his arrogance, could be different, and in doing so make him as a person sound less arrogant.

 

“I went to catch the ball and the wall ran into me.” –Barry Bonds

            This quote gives one solid image: Barry Bonds being attacked by a wall. Saying, “The wall ran into me” instead of “I ran into the wall” is almost a personal statement saying “I am larger than the wall; I am a greater entity than the wall; I am more powerful then the wall.” The simple difference in word location separates a neutral comment from an arrogant one.

 

“I like to be against the odds. I’m not afraid to be lonely at the top. With me, it’s just the satisfaction of the game. Just performance.” –Barry Bonds

            It seems like he is trying to make a point that he is a competitive person. In doing so he got caught up in himself, taking the statement on to implying that he has surpassed others. If Barry Bonds were to take out that one simple sentence,  “I’m not afraid to be lonely at the top,” then the statement would completely change the feel of the sentence. Funny enough, the rest of the statement alone sounds almost inspirational.

 

“I’ve hit a couple off him. He’s thrown more than one stupid pitch to me.”

            This was stated when Barry Bonds had hit a game winning homerun.  The whole statement seems completely unnecessary, and is just insulting the pitcher.  If he was going to comment on the actual event of him hitting the homerun, he could have focused more on his personal success, not the pitcher’s failure. Even going further than "I've hit a couple off him" is just completely unnecessary. It is no secret that every pitcher and batter in the major leagues has an open scouting report on them, and there are particular pitches in particular counts that any given pitcher may not want to throw to a given batter. On the flip side, there is no one player who is above another. It is baseball and anything can happen. 

 

Vocabulary in general is part of Barry Bonds’ arrogant nature. This being said, entire sentence structure would have to change on many occasions in order to even sound somewhat humble (or neutral for that matter).

 

There are many quotes that portray Barry Bonds’ arrogance. Maybe he just didn't care at the time, but either way, switching his word order could have changed his whole persona. After all of his major league interviews, it is clear that he is aware of his notoriety in the media. Maybe a lesson in sentence structure and word choice would have done him well.

Time for the Breakdown: How Low Should We Go?

Grammar, at least in the English language, is a beautiful thing. It allows us to communicate with each other, to begin to understand the grammar systems of other languages, and to maintain a sense of uniformity in the professional world, among other reasons. Its purposes are many and most of the time, it seems as though our use of grammar in speech or in writing comes naturally or instinctually. But the world of grammar is an extremely structured and detailed one that calls for consistency, memorization and straight logic. Somewhere along the way, grammar got broken down into countless different rules regarding sentence structure, comma usage, quotation mark usage, verb forms, capitalization, and so on and so on and so on. There are many advantages to this uniformity and detail of our grammar system. Sometimes. But at what point do the complexity and thoroughness of the details of our grammar system become arbitrary, tedious, and distracting from the larger picture of why we have grammar to begin with? Is there a line that needs to be drawn in terms of our breakdown of grammar? Could all of these grammar rules actually be hurting us, in some ways, more than helping us?

Our world is a complicated place. We have laws to abide by, appointments to make, relationships to tend to and primal needs to meet. Try to cram all of these things into a 24-hour time period and daily life can begin to seem pretty hectic. So why do we take something that seems to naturally connect all of us on some level— language—and divide it, rearrange it, turn it on its head, standardize it and then un-standardize it, categorize it, invite it over for dinner and then turn it away when it knocks on the door when, really, if we pushed all of this aside, we could make our lives much more simple for ourselves?

Maybe it’s because as human beings we (pronoun) need control. We need to set guidelines so that we know exactly and easily (adverb) when something is “right” or “wrong” (according to our construction of what is right or wrong). (parenthetical aside) Maybe it’s because we like to use and create reference tools. See dictionary, almanac, internet, thesaurus, encyclopedia, Lonely Planet, (serial comma) etc. (imperative mood) Maybe it’s because someone came up with this idea of “grammar” to pass the time and the idea somehow got into the wrong hands—a pair of very anal, logically-minded, organized hands— (em dash) that turned it into an unforgiving and systematic (adjective) hierarchy of rules. Whatever the reason, we have come to a situation where we stand scratching our heads as we try to distinguish between simple and complex sentences, where it can take longer to create a “Works Cited” page than it does to write (infinitive verb form) the entire paper with (preposition) which it is associated, and where, after referencing multiple editions of academic grammar books, we still can’t (contraction) determine how to “correctly” execute the subjunctive mood.

As I mentioned earlier, grammar is essential to our world. I am not saying that grammar as a whole or that certain parts of grammar are useless. In a countless number of instances the correct use of grammar is very necessary and wholly appreciated. For example, the sentence, “Unfortunately, the resale shop was full of wrinkled little girls’ dresses” creates quite a different image than does the sentence, “Unfortunately, the resale shop was full of little girls’ wrinkled dresses.” A wrinkled little girl is slightly more disconcerting than is a wrinkled dress. Attention to syntax in a situation like this is imperative and completely understandable. Similarly, the incorrect comma usage (subject) in the following sentence alters the intended meaning of the speaker: “I went to the store to purchase tangelos, wine, soap bread eggs, nuts, paper toothpaste and soup.” Here, a lesson in grammar and punctuation could be mighty helpful for the speaker and would (subjunctive? Maybe, maybe not.) cause much less confusion for the reader. Who wants to use paper toothpaste?

The trend among these incorrect examples is that there is a lack of clarification of meaning in all of them. These grammar errors have single-handedly destroyed all intended coherence and purpose in the sentences and have failed to effectively communicate. And THIS is why we need grammar. To let others know exactly what we mean without question. (I know the previous string of words bookended by the periods is, in grammar, known as a “phrase,” which is generally considered “bad grammar,” but I (proper noun) took artistic liberty and used a phrase for emphasis.) Grammar is important in our world. Our understanding of the general and common rules of grammar is vital if we ever intend to lead professional lives, make good impressions or sound intelligent. Grammar rules matter. (indicative mood)

To an extent. (another phrase)

We can successfully get by in life with effective communication capabilities a-blazin’ even if we don’t know the textbook difference between the definition of a gerund and a participal or whether “billiards” is singular or plural or that the clause “he has been walking” is an example of “the progressive form,” probably so knighted by someone involved in an organized language association. Do the categories really matter? Are we just making this more complex than it has to be?

Maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe these extensive details are necessary for effective communication and if I didn’t know them I would be much worse off. I am sure that the linguists of our world strongly disagree with me. In certain contexts, like in comparing different languages or trying to understand how a certain culture uses slang, the grammar details are important. But, to someone who is not in those fields of study and who simply wants to sound articulate and educated, I can’t help but wonder if these endless rules are helpful or are if I am missing something bigger in the world of grammar because I am so focused on the details. In short, in the deep abyss of grammar rules, how low should we really go?


(Disclaimer: I have secretly and intentionally added some standard grammar errors in this blog post to show part of my point. Did you notice any of these errors and, if yes, did they change the meaning of what I was trying to say? Does this mean that our rules are pointless or were these errors distracting because we are so conditioned to do things a certain way? Hint: Most of them are comma usage inconsistencies.

I have also, as you probably noticed, named different parts of speech and sentence structure throughout the post to show just how many titles and rules we really have. A little intense, huh?)

Correct Grammar in Poetry: Necessary or Not?

We have all come across it before- the poem in which grammar plays no role. It may drive you absolutely crazy if you are a grammar Nazi, which for all intents and purposes can be defined as the type of person who would risk angering even the most ornery of bosses by correcting an unfortunate grammar faux pas in the middle of the staff meeting, because otherwise it will bug the grammar Nazi for the rest of the day. Or perhaps a poem free from the confining restrictions of grammar is absolute heaven to you. The grammar Nazi will argue that the rules were created to be utilized in all forms of writing, in order to lend structure to the craft, while the free spirited will urge time and time again that poetry is expression free from regulation of form. Either way, the topic is one of immense importance to any creative writer reflecting on how changes in grammar will affect the interpretation of their work, as well as the audience’s opinion of the piece. Join us today as we examine whether improper grammar is ever acceptable in poetry.

Let’s begin by taking a look at a poet who is “well known for giving grammar the proverbial finger”: Mr. E.E Cummings. Many of his poems are written in a peculiar style and with punctuation seemingly thrown to the wind, left to settle at random. Examine the following:

anyone lived in a pretty how town
anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn’t he danced his did.
Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn’t they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain
children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more
when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone’s any was all to her
someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream
stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)
one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was
all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
with by spirit and if by yes.
Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

The sheer pasting of this poem drove my computers spell check mad as immediately upon its placement red and green squiggles appeared declaring the multitude of spelling and grammar “errors” scattered throughout the piece. Mr. Cummings abandoned the capital letter altogether in this poem and only uses end sentence punctuation marks twice as periods make a guest appearance at the end of the fourth line as well as in the fifth to last line of the poem. Upon first glance the poem seems to be a jumble of words with agreement problems out the wazoo! But read the poem aloud and see how “wrong” it sounds. On the contrary it sounds beautiful as it flows at just the right pace and tempo. Imagine what a negative difference would be affected upon this poem if proper grammar usage had been forced down Cummings’ throat.

Ultimately I believe poetry is one of the areas of language where grammar can be tweaked beyond the rules, IF it serves a purpose. Bad grammar in poetry that is the result of ignorance of the poet with be obvious and will damage the poem. Unconventional grammar, however, that seeks to highlight a particular message or add emphasis to a point is perfectly acceptable in my book. Poetry is the free flow of thoughts, the exchange of ideas and the expression of emotions that often seem impossible to describe. A poet must be given poetic license to use whatever means necessary to convey their message. Being a stickler to the rules will only hinder their creative juices.

This is the grammar guru over and out after another solved grammar stumper! See you on the flip side folks.

Mayberry: Can vs. May

In the perfect grammar world that my own parents live in, I am expected to properly use the terms “can” and “may” when asking a question. In order to invent a logical argument against my parents’ picky grammar habits, I turned to Grammar Girl and her debate of the words “can vs. may.”

Grammar Girl agrees that in the utopian world of grammar, there is an inevitable distinction, and one is more appropriate than the other in most given circumstances. “Can” denotes a physical or mental ability, while “may” refers to permission or authorization of an action. For example, in the sentence “Can I go to the party?,” can is used incorrectly, as it refers to the physical or mental ability one has to go to the party. “May” would be more appropriate in this sentence, referring to whether or not the individual asking the question has permission to attend the party.

However, Grammar Girl also admits that society is currently deviating away from the formal usage of “can” vs. “may.” Our “grown-ups” today believe that the use of either word depends solely on the formality of the scenario. For example, to the waiter at a fancy restaurant, one would typically ask “May I have more water please?”, in order to reflect the formal setting in which the word is being used.

Finally, one must consider that every situation is entirely unique. In the case of the question “Can we expect you at the party tomorrow?,” neither word seems to fit. “Are we mentally able to expect you at the party tomorrow?” and “Do we have your permission to expect you at the party tomorrow?” both sound ridiculous. It is in this outlandish situation that we settle on an unrelated but most appropriate word: might. “Might we expect you at the party tomorrow?” seems to solve all problems.

Now one has to wonder what to do with these technicalities. Based on the flow of society and where it stands on this issue today, I would dare to say that this situation is now entirely based on formality. Try to use the word that most naturally fits the formality of the situation, or choose a word that has a similar meaning, such as might, be able to, be capable of, or could.

"Rules Grammar Change"-Our Shapeshifting Language

The English speaking community has conformed and adhered to a certain set of rules regarding how to write and speak. Besides slight changes in grammar, the basic setup of a sentence has remained fairly constant: subject, verb, and then everything else. However, what would happen if these rules were to suddenly become obsolete? The Onion, poking fun at this idea, brings about a curious point. Under what circumstances should grammar rules change?

As we become a more electronic nation, our language becomes simpler and lazier. Slang words are appearing in dictionaries and certain acronyms such as “lol” are used in advertisement and other forms of communication. To a certain point this may be okay. But how far will we take this simplification until it becomes a permanent change? “Rules Grammar Change” may be an exaggeration, but the concept it portrays is a growing issue.

 Instant messaging, texting, and facebook have changed the dialogue of our generation and those below us. When comparing emails between our parents and ourselves, one may notice some striking differences: we use abbreviations, they don’t; we no longer capitalize appropriate words, they do. Some individuals go so far as to use instant messaging acronyms within formal text. The biggest rising issue, however, does not lie with our own generation but with that of our younger brothers and sisters. I have personally intercepted a note between my twelve-year-old sister and her friend that read, “i will c u 2morrow.” The young generations of today are abbreviating the English language beyond recognition, insulting all English scholars and those who spent the time to learn its rules.

Let pretend for one moment if such an occurrence described in “Rules Grammar Change” were to become real. Former texts, both scholarly and non-scholarly, would become as obsolete as those written in Old English. How will the nation deal with such change? Grade school children will have the easiest transition as they are currently learning grammar and language arts. Having just been through all of our schooling, our generation will struggle to accept such drastic changes. Like an older person refusing to learn how to use a cell phone, we will refuse any changes in the rules we studied so fervently or so long. Protesters will emerge, and the nation will split as it did in the 60s; however, this split will be due to a very different type of war.

Chaos and disarray will strike the nation if “rules grammar change.” Yet many do not realize that this exact thing is already happening at a much slower pace. As each generation becomes more technologically adept and ways of acquiring information become faster, our minds and our language become lazier and more compact. The Onion finds humor in the grammarian’s nightmare surrounding changing rules, yet we are already seeing the effect of such language barriers creating obvious rifts. Would your grandmother be able to decipher a text message between a friend and you? Small changes lead to larger changes, and grammarians across the nation must fight for the English language to maintain its glory days and prevent a younger generation with such a “strange, unintelligible way of speaking.”

Verbing: the Process of Turning Nouns into Verbs

Verbing words is becoming more common than ever these days and has created quite a flurry of argument among grammar geeks. There are those who defend the process the next natural step of a word's development and there are those who condemn it as abusing the language. So what is the big deal with verbing? Why does it annoy some people so much? When is verbing acceptable? Why can’t Microsoft Word figure out what we are trying to say?

Today’s teenagers are commonly blamed for creating the verbing issue. While verbing has certainly increased drastically in recent years, verbing is a process that snuck into our language a long time ago. Let’s look at some verbified words that have been around for a while:
· She is hosting a party this week.
· Brittany medaled in swimming.
· He eyed the food suspiciously.
These words are not argued about, but they are still a result of verbing. The most controversial words tend to be only recent words that are a result of new technology, laziness, or inconsistency.

Lots of verbified words are based off of technology. When we create new things we need new words to explain their function. Some of these words are well established – we can microwave our dinner, vacuum our floors, email our friends, and fax something to our boss. Newer words that were verbified in the last few years began the recent verbing craze. The most famous example is google. Instead of using the Google search engine or searching for something on Google we can simply google it. We can also text and photoshop.

Verbing becomes a problem when people are not consistent with how they change the noun. Look at the word taser. When I get hit with a taser, have I been tased, or tasered? Did he tase me, or taser me? Words like this need to get worked out so that we can know which version to use. The important thing here is consistency – if you are writing a paper or an article and you are not sure which version of the word to use, pick one and stick with it.

Verbing is at its most controversial when ordinary words are changed. These words are often verbified because of laziness and a desire to cut corners. The word that seems to cause the most people to cringe in horror at its verbification is impact. Impact does not mean “to affect” but it is often used as if it does (the only thing that can be impacted is a tooth).
· Traditional way: The recession will have an impact on our spending.
· New, verbified way: The recession will impact our spending.
The biggest objection to verbing these words is that there is often already another word that has the same exact meaning. In the previous example I could have said the recession will affect our spending. Some nouns are chopped apart when turned into verbs, and others just sound objectionable. Here are some examples of words that have been sloppily verbified:
· He gifted me his favorite watch. Why not just say gave?
· Sally is authoring a book. Why isn’t Sally writing a book?
· I don’t want him to suicide. Here commit should be used in tandem with suicide; leaving it off sounds uneducated.
· Michael guested The Daily Show. Here someone used hosted as a model. We have gone a long time saying was a guest on and it has not killed us yet.
· We must incent him to study. Here someone seems to have taken incentive and worked their way backward. There are many words that could be placed here instead to create the same meaning, like motivate, encourage, and persuade.

So what is the final verdict on verbing? Verbing is largely an opinion issue and will remain a popular discussion for some time. I find verbing perfectly acceptable when using it to describe the function of an item. There is no word to express the function of an item, so the name of the item itself is used. The English language is constantly evolving, and here verbing fills a need. Googling makes perfect sense to me as a practical replacement for using the Google search engine to find something on the internet. But I do object to randomly verbing nouns on a regular basis. There needs to be a legitimate reason to change an ordinary word. Most of the time there are other words already in existence that are a better choice, and verbing often has the unintended effect of confusing the reader/listener. Verbing can sound unprofessional, and I recommend avoiding it in anything other than informal writing.

Could You Care Less?

Some people are just way too concerned about the proper usage of grammar.  When it comes to grammar rules and whether or not other people follow them correctly, I could care less.

Or couldn’t I?

Let me ask you.  If one person says “who” and another says “whom,” could you care less?  Because if you don’t care, if you think people can speak however they please, then you might just say that you “could care less.”

Well, could you?

Because if you could care less, that implies that you must care a substantial amount about it, or at least high enough on this make-believe scale of caring that you’ve got enough space lower on the scale in which to care even less about the whole damn thing.  So maybe it’s not the most important thing in the world to you, maybe you care about other things more, but you certainly care.  You care whether or not people use “who” or “whom.”

So let’s say one person says “which” and another says “that.”  Could you care less?  Or couldn’t you?  If you don’t care about grammar rules, then of course you couldn’t care less!  You could not possibly care any less than you already care about the damn thing in the first place, which just so happens to be not at all!  You are literally as low as you can go on the imaginary scale of caring.  You could NOT care less.

You see, the idiom in full means “cares so little that you couldn't possibly care less."  So that should clear things up a little.  The phrase originated in Britain in the 1940s and the U.S. adopted it in the 60s, though it is still unclear as to how exactly it was mistranslated.  For our sake, I’d like to hope that we were just being ironic.  Or maybe it was developed after having been taken out of context, such as from the phrase “I could care less, but I'd have to try.”

As far as I’m concerned, if one person says “I could care less” and another says “I couldn’t care less,” well I couldn’t really give a damn.

Or could I?

Well, as it turns out, I guess I do have my grammar pet peeves.  So when it comes to improper grammar usage, I most certainly could give a damn.

Field Notes

By: Chelsea Peabody

We learn grammar in the classroom, but what is it like in the real world? Field Notes discusses grammar usage in the “real world” by exploring its use in different professional fields.

Correct grammar usage is important in all fields, but in industries that focus on the dispersion of messages like Advertising and Public Relations, grammar usage has a profound influence on practitioners’ ability to effectively convey their messages. To learn more about grammar’s role in the Advertising industry, I sat down with Copy Editor Shannon Farlow and Copy Writer Kara Glover of Trone Advertising in High Point, NC.

Shannon and Kara approach copy, or the text of an advertisement, from different angles. Kara’s job is to create the message that will reach audiences and call them to action, whether it be buying her client’s product or raising awareness about an issue. She uses words and grammar to craft a creative message that will stand out to consumers through the advertising noise they experience every day.

Shannon, a copy editor by day and Southern Gothic writer by night, approaches the copy from the other side – it is his job to make sure that the copy has no errors including spacing issues, spelling issues and grammar issues. The most common mistakes that he see are sentence fragments, run-on sentences, comma splices, commonly misspelled words, agreement issues, dangling modifiers and capitalization issues. Shannon also checks the copy against style manuals including The Chicago Manual of Style, The Associated Press Stylebook, Turabian style, The New York Times Manual and the MLA Handbook. He explains that each client uses a different stylebook based on its industry or the publications that it will be placing advertisements and feature pieces. Shannon tries his best to memorize the style books, but because there are so many different styles, he relies on the stylebooks to make corrections. He can usually spot grammar issues without stylebooks, but he was not always a grammar aficionado, in fact Shannon feels that he did not truly “know” grammar until he was a graduate student at UNC Greensboro earning a Masters in Publishing and Editing.

Kara’s relationship with grammar is different from Shannon’s relationship. She works closely with Trone’s Art Directors to convey their creative ideas through words. While she is the advertisement’s writer, she spends more time brainstorming ideas than actually writing. When she does write Kara is allowed to break the rules of grammar, but only if it helps her ad and her client approves of the error. She believes that the right to break grammar rules in advertising copy writing is not a license to ignore them. According to Kara rules should only be broken if the writer understands the rule he or she broke and can explain how breaking the rule improved the piece. For example, advertisements routinely rely on sentence fragments to add emphasis. To. The. Advertisement. She believes that strong grammar skills are essential to be an effective writer and advises students to learn as much as they can about good sentence structure so they can effectively manipulate sentences to change its meaning.

While both Kara and Shannon mostly focus on print advertisements, they have both noticed a change in their writing needs. Kara does not think that print advertisements will die, but predicts that she will be asked to write for the internet more and more. She explains that working with the internet has changed her writing because she must not only focus on conveying her message clearly and correctly, but in the appropriate manner for internet readers.

In advertising words are money. Advertisers must be able to convey the most meaning through the least amount of words. Copywriters and Editors like Kara Glover and Shannon Farlow manipulate words and add meaning to their client’s products while following the grammar rules of correct writing. Through their work they show the grammar’s power to manipulate meaning and the importance of communicating clearly and effectively.

To Learn more about Shannon, Kara and Trone Advertising, visit Trone's website at http://www.trone.com/

Spice it Up People!

Essays. E-mails. Letters. No matter which method you choose, it is unavoidable to escape the written language in today’s society. We use these forms of communication plus more on a daily basis, so it baffles me when I read my peers’ work and struggle to get through it. Unclear, boring, or ineffective, it amazes me how many people fail to write strong, grammatically correct sentences. At this point in our lives, we have been accustomed to formal writing for well over a decade. Effective writing has been a factor in almost every major mile stone in our lives thus far whether it is the SATs or a final exam. Writing even helped to determine how we are here today; it was an essay that helped secure our acceptance at this very institution. Why then are so many intelligent people capable of putting others to sleep with their writing?

In order to avoid being the cause for an epidemic of naps, continue reading to get some helpful tips about how to spice up your writing. Implement these suggestions in your everyday writing and before you know it, people will be lined up to read what you have to say.

Vary your sentences.

Sentences that sound alike and are unvaried in structure will bore readers. Sentence variety is essential in order to ensure that you maintain the audience’s attention.

-Alternate short and long sentences
· A string of short sentences sounds choppy but long, complicated sentences tend to confuse readers because there is too much information to take in. A balance between the two is necessary to keep readers’ on their toes.

Example:

The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some Native American art. In Anchorage stores they found some excellent examples of soapstone carvings.

Possible Revision:

The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some Native American art, such as soapstone carvings and wall hangings. Anchorage stores had many soapstone items available. (Purdue Owl)

-Vary sentence openings

· Do not always start with the subject; shift word order for emphasis.
· Adjust sentence openings to the tone and emphasis of the sentence.

Example:

The biggest coincidence that day happened when Sam and I ended up sitting next to each other at the soccer game.

Possible Revision:

Coincidentally, Sam and I ended up sitting right next to each other at the soccer game.

*A good rule of thumb to follow: a string of sentences should never sound alike.

Combine sentences with Conjunctions.

-Use conjunctions like and, but, or, nor, yet, for, so to eliminate choppy sentences.

Choppy sentence: Molly likes the color blue. Sandra likes purple.
Improved sentence: Molly likes the color blue and Sandra likes purple.

Choppy sentence: She was the smallest girl on the team. She was the fastest player.
Improved sentence: She was the smallest girl on the team, yet she was the fastest player.

Link sentences through Subordination.

Subordination means to combine two sentences so that one is the main idea and the other is no longer a complete sentence. This is the clearest way to show how two ideas are related and helps to reduce the number of short, choppy sentences. You may subordinate with:

(1) Adjective Clause—who, whom, which, that, when, or where
(2) Adverb Clause—when, if, because, although
(3) Noun Clause—who, that, what, whatever

Example:

The campus parking problem is getting worse. The university is not building any new garages.

Revision:
The campus parking problem is getting worse because the university is not building any new garages. (Purdue Owl)

Use Reduction.

-Eliminate needless words
-Try not to repeat the same word too often

Use Parallel Structure.

-Use the same grammatical form for each item when coordinating or comparing:

Not Parallel:
They tried singing and to dance.

Parallel:
They tried singing and dancing.
They tried to sing and to dance. (English Simplified)

When you have finished writing, do not be in such a rush to turn it in. Take your time to carefully review what you have written to check for mistakes, repetition, or various improvements that could be made. You have taken the time to write it already, so take a few more minutes to make sure it is perfect!

Read paper aloud.
Reading aloud is a great way to catch mistakes. When people read aloud, they are able to hear what they are saying. Reading silently makes you more likely to skim it and overlook simple errors.

Have someone peer edit.
In most cases when we write, other people will be reading it. Since this is already the case, it is helpful to get a second opinion before you turn in your work. A peer edit is helpful because writers can get a sense of how audiences will respond to their writing.

Are you bored?
If you are bored by your own writing then you can guarantee that others will be. Use the tips above to help add some variety to your writing.

Come back to it later.
When you work at something for a long period of time, it is easy to become unfocused. There may be times when you feel frustrated that you cannot put into words all that you need to say. When this occurs, take a step back and return to it later. A mental break allows you to recharge and generate new ideas.

I hope these tips will be useful to you and help you to see that writing does not have to be boring. With the right techniques, writing can be enjoyable for both the writer and reader.

Happy writing!

Resources:

"Effective Sentences." Higgins, Blanche Ellsworth and John A. English Simplified. Pearson Education, Inc., 2007. 20-22.

The Owl at Purdue. 2009. 27 April 2009 .

Semicolons are for Girls?

By Julia Newman

I was surfing the internet and I came across an article from The Boston Globe titled, “Sex and the semicolon: The punctuation mark that makes men tremble”, written by Jan Freeman. It seems as though this idea of the semicolon bearing feminine qualities comes from the fact that many writers, flat out, do not like the semicolon and are looking for ways to devalue it. Since there are writers out there who are so against the semicolon’s use, this claim that they are “girly” appears to be a tactic of theirs to further dismantle its usage.

The first thing I thought was that I am a girl; I have been told in the past that I tend to overuse the semicolon, but I never thought it had any sort of correlation with my gender. One way of looking at this argument, from the point of view of those macho semicolon haters, is that the semicolon is more feminine in that it produces a lengthier and more thought-out sentence. Alternatively, another piece of punctuation, such as the masculine em dash or blunt period, is more “manly” because they get to the point more directly. These ways of thinking are evocative of the stereotypical ways that men and women deal with certain things. I couldn’t help but think of the way in which men and women stereotypically deal with arguments when they are in a relationship. The man usually tries to avoid communication with short, blunt sentences, suggestive of the period, whereas the woman is always trying to express her feelings and keeps talking, suggestive of the semi-colon. Perhaps those semicolon haters are actually just insecure. Maybe they don’t know how to correctly use the semicolon and they feel they have to bash it by saying that it is girly and useless.

The semicolon is not useless, and in fact the article from The Boston Globe mentions some very famous MALE writers who are quite fond of the semicolon. One of these was Herman Melville, who used close to four semicolons per one-thousand letters in Moby-Dick. Granted he is a writer from the past, his literature has withstood the test of time, so why shouldn’t the semicolon? Another male writer, appreciative of what the semicolon can add to a piece, is John Irving, author of The Cider House Rules. Clearly it is not only women writers who are using the semicolon, so does that mean that those individuals who have dubbed the semicolon a feminine piece of punctuation would call Melville and Irving girly?

One of the most interesting and ludicrous descriptions of the semicolon described in this article came from Kurt Vonnegot, an American novelist, who called these punctuation mark, “transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing." I understand the transvestite and hermaphroditic references to be saying that the semicolon is somewhere between a comma and period, which that part, I will agree with. However, they do not represent absolutely nothing. I would, more or less, agree that they are somewhere in between a comma and a period, but that does render them completely and utterly ineffective. They are, rather, an indispensable piece of punctuation that can allow for a reader to briefly pause in between two closely related thoughts, without having to completely stop with a blunt and masculine period.

When I was reading this article, I could not help but think about the poem “In a Station of the Metro” by Ezra Pound. Semicolons can be crucial punctuation marks in creative writing and this is demonstrated clearly in Pound’s poem. The entire poem is two lines long,

“The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.”

The semicolon in this poem has been a hot topic for debate because people wonder whether the semicolon is making the last line secondary to the one before it or if the semicolon is simply connecting two equal ideas. Regardless of what Pound’s intentions were in using the semicolon, I think it is more important that because the semicolon is placed there that the relationship between the two lines is now left open for interpretation. Had there been another punctuation mark, then perhaps the relationship would be less ambiguous and much less interesting. I wonder if Kurt Vonnegot would call this poem useless.

The claim that semicolons are girly and bear no real function in writing is absolutely absurd. I don’t think that semicolons are manly punctuation marks either or that they are the best punctuation marks. I believe one’s decision to use, or not to use, the semicolon is simply a reflection of an individual’s writing style. If the semicolon can be the basis for such an interesting debate and the period and comma get off the hook and are just accepted, it clearly shows that the semicolon is a valued part of writing and is most definitely not “absolutely useless”.

Improper Capitalization

America has a problem. improper Capitalization. Having the Right words capitalized makes a big difference in how a text is read and understood. The most common error is failure to capitalize the i when talking about yourself.

Do you see how annoying that was? Your eye just gets drawn to the mistakes and you can’t stop looking at it. Capitalization is really one of the easiest grammar concepts to understand.

Sure, there are a few confusing issues now due to new words, but they still fit into the rules. So here are the standard rules* with explanations by me.

*Note: This is going to refer to standard academic writing. Creative writing and poetry is a whole different animal that we are not doing today. Although as a side note to this note, unless you are e.e. cummings, you should still capitalize properly in poetry.

1. Capitalize the first word of every sentence – Pretty straight forward. If you are beginning a sentence, even a quoted sentence, capitalize the first word of the sentence.

Example:

Improper capitalization is a pet peeve of mine.
The critic wrote, “You mustn’t miss this film.”

2. Capitalize the first word of a line of poetry – Unless the poet has used lowercase letters. Refer to rule #1; if you are quoting something, it gets capitalized.

3. Capitalize words and phrases used as sentences – In this case, the word or phrase is acting like a sentence or there is an implied sentence with the word. Therefore, it falls under rule #1 and so it is still very simple.

Example:

When?

No, not you.

4. Capitalize the first word of a formal question or statement following a colon – If following the colon is an ordinary statement, then lowercase should be used.

Example:

Hemingway said it best: Courage is grace under pressure.
There was a reason for his behavior: he was in love.

5. Capitalize most words in a title – For most words in a title of a book, article, etc., they should be capitalized. The first and last word should always be capitalized. Also, everything except articles, prepositions and coordinating conjunctions should be capitalized. If in doubt, look at how the author capitalized it.

6. Capitalize the pronoun I and the interjection O – Do not capitalize oh. When talking about yourself "I" is always capitalized. ALWAYS. I do not care if you are on AIM with your friends or writing on your best friend's wall on Facebook, capitalize "I."

Example:

To thee, O Lord, I pray.

7. Capitalize proper nouns – Proper nouns are a category of nouns that refers to a specific person, place or thing. Here is a brief list of proper nouns that should be capitalized with an example.

a. Specific Persons, Ethnic Groups, Tribes, Nationalities, Religions, and Languages

Hispanic

Navajo

Paula Patch

German

b. Specific Places

Yankee Stadium

Elon University

Atlantic Ocean

c. Specific Organizations, Companies, and Brand Names

the Yankees

Red Cross

Deer Park water (product is lowercase)

d. Days of the Week, Months, Holidays, and Holy Days

Christmas

Wednesday

March

Forth of July

e. Flags, Awards and School Colors

the Stars and Stripes

the Pulitzer Prize

the Maroon and Gold

f. Personifications

Mother Nature

g. Titles Preceding Names

Professor Paula Patch

So here you go America, a short list of common capitalization errors that should never be seen again.

* These rules come from English Simplified.

The Ellipsis

The ellipsis is the most wonderful thing ever! You can use it for so many different things and each one of them is useful in its own way. For example, ellipses can be used in creative writing, professional writing, screen writing, online writing, and even day-to-day life.

            Now I’m sure some of you are wondering what the heck an ellipsis is, so allow me to answer your question. The ellipsis, which comes from the Greek word for “omission,” is used to indicate or express an intentional pause, omission, or silence. In our written language, it’s usually indicated by a series of three dots (…). You’ve probably seen it somewhere. So now that we’ve got that formality out of the way, you’re probably wondering how such a simple punctuation can be used in so many types of writing.

            Well, let’s start with the first example I listed: creative writing. In creative writing, ellipses can be used in dialogue to indicate an intentional pause or to hint something to the reader. Let’s say you’re writing dialogue for two characters, Jared and Daisy. Let’s say that they’re talking to each other, and Jared says, “You’re attractive! Let’s go out for dinner!” You could easily write Daisy’s response as just, “…” showing that she’s totally not in to Jared and feels very awkward. Yes, you do all of that with just three simple dots! Now Daisy could also respond in a way that gave the readers a hint as to her intentions while keeping silly Jared in the dark. She could say, “I would love to eat…you.” So it’s not the greatest example, but you can see how it could be used that way. If Daisy had just said, “I would love to eat you,” Jared would probably realize that Daisy was a cannibal or something, but because the ellipsis is used, the reader can figure out what’s going to happen to Jared, but Jared probably won’t realize it until he’s getting cooked.

            Now let’s move on to professional writing. In professional writing, since it’s more likely to see direct quotes rather than invented dialogue, ellipses are used to omit redundant pieces of quotes. If you were going to quote someone who had said, “I only think about candy. I’m pretty sure I only think about it because it’s the only thing I love,” you could write it as, “I only think about candy…because it’s the only thing I love.” This would be grammatically and ethically correct because you would have shortened down the quote without changing the meaning of it. However, if you had shortened it to “I only think about…love,” you would have some issues because you changed the meaning. Sometimes this is actually desirable. Have you ever seen trailers for movies where they quote movie critics as saying, “I haven’t seen a movie this good… in years,” or something like that? The full quote of that sentence is probably, “I haven’t seen a movie this good at sucking in years.” So you can use ellipses to omit redundancy while maintaining the original quote’s integrity, or to make money from deception.

            I’m going to combine the last three things into one paragraph since they’re all semi-related to one another. Have you ever said something jokingly to someone, and they respond by giving you a really dirty look? That happens to me every day. When they give you that dirty look, they’re really giving you an ellipsis. It’s an intentional pause meant to indicate that they want to punch you. Has anyone ever said to you, “You better do this, or else…” because if they have, they were using an ellipsis in spoken language to scare you into doing something. I know that if you’ve ever chatted online with someone, you’ve seen ellipses being used. Well I’m here to tell you that they were probably used incorrectly! The most obvious and common mistake is just the wrong number of dots. Some people will use ten dots and others will use two, and they’re both equally incorrect. Ellipses are fragile and delicate! You can’t just add or subtract dots from them for your own amusement! Who do you think you are? I will destroy you! And that’s not the only mistake people make, either. Another mistake that’s almost as common is just the improper use of them. A lot of people use ellipses online to show a break in their thought process in order to imitate how they speak, but that’s the m-dash’s job! The ellipses should only be used to show a deliberate pause in speech to imply a hidden meaning. If you’re thinking of ellipses in the grammatically correct usage and you talk to someone who’s ellipses happy, you’re going to think that there’s a ton of subtext that you’re missing, when you’re not actually missing any.

            So there you have it. Ellipses are really fun to use, and now that you know how to use them, go forth and conquer. Conquer the world with your correct ellipses usage. For more reading, head here .

That/Which

            “Any car which fails inspection is not safe to drive!”

            “The lasagna, that contained only vegetables, cheese and noodles, looked delicious.”

            “This is the house which Jack built.”

To the untrained eye and ear, these sentences may sound perfectly correct. Admittedly, until a few weeks ago, they would have sounded correct even to me. Then I saw the light.

When the general public hears the word “pronoun,” it automatically thinks “he, she, it” or their variants. The startling truth is that there are actually seven (very) different types of pronouns: personal, interrogative, relative, demonstrative, indefinite, reflexive, and intensive. Luckily, we only have to deal with one to master “that” and “which."

“That” and “which” are relative pronouns. This means that they are used in the beginning of a subordinate clause to give some more specific information about the main clause. Others include “who,” “whom,” “what,” “when,” and “whose” when they aren’t used in question format (in that situation, they are interrogative). Here are some examples:

àThat girl is the one whose pet chinchilla is loose.

 àI hope I have a machine gun when the zombies take over Elon.

àI can’t help what I say most of the time.

The second and final thing you need to understand is the difference between an essential and nonessential clause. This idea is a bit more abstract, but I’ll try to make it simple. If the sentence would still work without the clause, it is nonessential; you don’t NEED it to make the sentence make sense. However, if the sentence’s meaning would be changed without the clause, it is essential. At least the grammar gods thought to make the names make sense, eh?

“That” is used when the clause is essential and “which” is used in nonessential situations. Some examples: 

àThe mall, which I normally enjoy immensely, was crowded and stressful today!

àThe car that ran the red light was sideswiped.

Okay! Here we go. See what you can do.

àThe Taj Mahal, _______ was built as a romantic gesture to his wife by a Mogul emperor, is one of India’s greatest tourist attractions.

The correct answer is “which.” If you take out what’s between the commas (the clause introduced by the relative pronoun), the sentence would still make sense. There is only one Taj Mahal, and the bit about it being a romantic gesture doesn’t change that. The information is nonessential.

àThe puppy ­­_______ I bought is a collie.

If you guessed “that,” you’re right! This is essential because we’re talking about the puppy that the speaker bought as opposed to the other puppies in the store. Don’t worry; this will make more sense in context. Check this out: “The puppy that I bought is a collie. The puppy that Sarah bought is a shepherd.” See? Now the information really IS essential for making sure the reader/listener knows which of the puppies you’re talking about.

If you’re still not grasping it, it’s okay to fake it ‘til you make it. There are a few little tips that help make the distinction until it becomes habitual.

First, when dealing with “which” in this context, it is ALWAYS necessary to use commas. “That” NEVER uses them:

Wrong: “The bed, that I sleep on, is lumpy.”

            Right: “The bed that I sleep on is lumpy.”

And likewise:

            Wrong: “My alarm clock which is on the floor in pieces woke me up today.”

            Right: “My alarm clock, which is on the floor in pieces, woke me up today.”

A second little tip is to covertly and temporarily take out the pronoun in your head. If the sentence still sounds correct to your ear without the single pronoun, you’ve probably got an essential clause requiring “that.”

            “My getaway van, which is brown and green, is sitting in North parking lot.”

            “My getaway van, is brown and green, is sitting in North parking lot.”

Not so much, right?

            “The child that I can’t stand is throwing dolls at my leg.”

            “The child I can’t stand is throwing dolls at my leg.”

That’s better!

That’s about all the information I can tell you about this. I hope it makes more sense to you, now, and I wish you the ability to forever distinguish between “that” and “which!”

P.S. Go back and read those examples at the beginning, see if you cringe!